Lessons learned on a family roadtrip

Last weekend, I had the pleasure of riding from New Orleans to Atlanta in a Dodge Minivan with four members of my extended family. My aunt, my 15-year old cousin, my grandfather and his wife. I love my family, and I don't get to spend much time with them, so I initially enjoyed the idea of spending some quality time with them. "Initially", being the key word in that sentence. I don't regret agreeing to ride with them (instead of purchasing a first-class plane ticket, as was my original idea), but I did learn an awful lot on the road.

Lesson 1: Old people like to listen to bad radio (in this particular instance- Rush Limbaugh).

Corollary: Old people cannot hear well, so they like to listen to bad radio really loudly.

Corollary: Old people like to shout over talk radio, so that everyone in the vicinity understands where they stand on whatever is being discussed.

Corollary: If you ask them to turn up the one news item in which you are remotely interested (in this particular instance- a state wherein some measure of marijuana possession has been recently decriminalized), they will immediately turn it down to ask you what you said.

Corollary: If you ask them to turn the radio down, so that you can listen to your Audiobook (wonderfully read by the always delightful Neil Patrick Harris), you will be told that you should be more open-minded, and listen to viewpoints that are different from your own (even though they might not even know what your particular viewpoint is in the first place).

Lesson 2: Old people like to eat at the Cracker Barrel, Applebees and any restaurant where you can get some discount by ordering a particular item before a certain time of day. I think that the AARP must send out some kind of dining guide that sets out rules and recommendations for this type of thing.

Corollary: If you order a beer at Cracker Barrel, they will tell you that they do not serve alcohol because they are a family restaurant. If you point out that you are there with your family, they just stare at you like they want you to die.

Lesson 3: People from New Orleans are so afraid of the idea of snow, that they are willing to abort the whole mission and go home, regardless of the importance of the event that they are traveling to attend. FYI: the possibility of snow was two days ahead of when this panic descended upon the minivan in the parking lot of the prohibition-era Cracker Barrel.

Lesson 4: 15-year old boys suck. They are cool for a while, but they just can't help reverting to being 15-year old boys, which are universally known to be total dicks.

Corollary: 15-year old boys have the stinkiest feet in the world, and have no problem putting them in your face, or on your pillow. However, they might also have some strange phobia of whatever might be on the bottom of your flipflops, and yell at you to take them off so you don't accidentally bump something with them that he owns.

Corollary: Seriously, Randal. Go see a doctor or something about your feet.

Lesson 5: The Comfort Inn is a misnomer. I had a one-inch gap under my door that I had to plug with towels (because a rat can fit through a hole the size of a quarter), none of the lamps in my room worked, and I heard the distinctive "drip, drip, drip" of the bathtub faucet dripping into a full tub. When I entered the bathroom in the dark and saw the full tub with the curtain pulled halfway, I was positive that there was a dead body in there. There was not.

Corollary: If you call to complain about the condition of your room, the Pakistani man who works there will come up to the room and condescendingly ask you if your lamps are plugged in properly (they were). He will also solve the problem of the gap under your door by giving you extra towels.

Corollary: Every towel in your room will feel like it was made with sandpaper or gravel.

Corollary: If old people are the ones to book the hotel rooms, they will choose the Comfort Inn, or the Red Roof Inn, or wherever they get some kind of "points" for staying. Again, I am convinced that this is the AARP's doing. Also, they will fight with you over the difference between a "hotel" and a "motel."

Corollary: Motels have doors that open to outdoors, while hotels open to hallways. Look it up, Jerry.

Lesson 6: In Atlanta, they apparently only sell alcohol at liquor stores or in restaurants. You cannot buy alcohol in gas stations or grocery stores, no matter how badly you need it.

Corollary: The liquor stores do not have shopping carts, and you are not well received if you ask about them.

Lesson 7: Before a roadtrip of this nature, be sure to inform smart-ass 15-year-old boy what topics of conversation are not acceptable in certain states.

Example: It is not okay to loudly ask in Alabama: "Who the hell is Bear Bryant?" It is even less okay to say that it is more important that Bear Bryant know who you are, and even less okay than that to say that Bear Bryant's hat looked stupid.

Example: It is not okay to loudly state in Georgia that they should really build some statues to General Sherman. After all, if he hadn't "passed through" all they would have to look at would be "old boring buildings and shit." Do not give General Sherman credit for there being modern buildings in Atlanta. Do not even jokingly suggest in a restaurant that they should rename Atlanta as "Shermanville."

Lesson 8: The GPS in your BlackBerry just gives up in Alabama. It doesn't know where you are, and it doesn't care.

Lesson 9: No amount of Xanax helps you relax enough to sleep in certain situations (like a Dodge Minivan). However, a giant meal at the Olive Garden and a glass of wine works wonders.

Lesson 10: Old people hate 18-wheelers, drivers on cell phones, people who eat while they drive, women who drive, people who drive with two many passengers in the car, and pretty much everyone who is driving who isn't them.

If I could go back in time, I would still ride in the van with my family. I would, however, attempt to get really drunk before doing so, regardless of how early in the morning we were leaving.