Superman v. Jesus

I know someone who is taking a class that (for some reason) has something to do with film and religion. The teacher is a big movie buff, and the entire syllabus revolves around watching various movies and such. Anyway, the other day the teacher decided to explain his belief that Superman and Jesus can actually be considered parallel characters.

The teacher gave three main reasons for this comparison, which are all interesting. Unfortunately, the teacher was wrong, as follows:

1) Proposal: Superman and Jesus were both sent down to earth by their fathers to help mankind and do good where needed.

WHY TEACHER IS WRONG: According to the New Testament, Jesus was sent by his father (God) to help mankind by showing them "The Way." According to everything totally awesome, Kal-El (Superman, to those who don't know any better) was placed in a spaceship as an infant by his father (Jor-El) and rocketed off to earth mere moments before his home planet, Krypton, imploded and made a giant mess all over the place. Kal-El became Superman after the kindly farm folk who raised him taught him to be a good person and use his powers to help people.

2) Proposal: Superman and Jesus were both half human and half other-worldly.

WHY TEACHER IS WRONG: Jesus was allegedly God walking as a man. How that worked out biologically was anybody's guess. Did God just plant a holy embryo in Mary, fully formed and ready to incubate? Or did Jesus actually possess half of his mother's genetic material and half of that belonging to the Spirit in the Sky? There is no possible way to know that answer. However, I can say with 100% certainty that Superman was not half human. He was totally Kryptonian, and just happened to conveniently be able to blend in with humans and work at a newspaper.

3) Proposal: Jesus and Superman both possessed "alien" powers.

WHY TEACHER IS WRONG: Jesus' powers were the result of his divine parentage. Some of Jesus' abilities have been compared to those that yogis in India have exhibited, the power of the yogis being the result of years of meditation and such. So whether Jesus' overall awesomeness was the result of God being his daddy, or his just being a more enlightened human than me is up for debate (and one that I am not interested in getting into here). What I can say that the teacher got right is that Superman's powers are actually "alien," in that he was literally from another planet. Superman also gained strength from the earth's yellow sun, while some have theorized that Jesus is actually based on stories of Horus, the "sun god." Interesting? No, not really.

The teacher of this class was waaaaay off base in knowing his Superman, if nothing else. He had a good point though, as there are a couple of things that Jesus and Clark Kent have in common:

1) Neither Jesus nor Clark Kent were very into bragging about their awesomeness. Both tried to stay under the radar. Clark Kent was obviously trying to protect his secret identity and continue to live a normal life amongst the people of Metropolis. Jesus was just too cool to be flashy about it.

2) Both received messages from their fathers. Jesus--in the way of parting clouds and booming voices and whatnot, Superman-- in the form of recorded messages that his parents sent with him before they died in the horrible implosion of their homeworld.

3) Jesus' girlfriend/wife/BFF, Mary Magdalene, was unfairly labeled a whore by the church for no apparent reason whatsoever. Superman's girlfriend, Lois Lane, was once portrayed by Teri Hatcher, who I will now unfairly call a whore for no apparent reason whatsoever. Also, Mary Magdalene and Lois Lane both have alliterative names. Coincidence? I think not.

4) Both had physical weaknesses. Superman's weakness was Kryptonite, while Jesus' weakness was eating any non-Kosher foods, such as pork or shellfish.

5) Jesus and Superman both had secret identities. While Superman masqueraded as mild-mannered report Clark Kent, Jesus spent his days moonlighting as a carpenter.

6) Both wore distinctive footwear. Superman had the red boots, and Jesus had the Jesus sandals. Except that Jesus didn't call them Jesus sandals, he just called them "my shoes."

There are probably more similarites, but I won't list them all here. Instead, look for them in my forthcoming book, Jesus and the Rest of the Superfriends.

Peace out, biznitches.