Raccoons in the attic, and other things you can shoot at indoors

This morning, a friend of mine was late for work because someone tried to break into her home at 4 am. Her husband was in another city at the time, and she reacted to the sound of the broken window by grabbing a gun out of her nightstand, and firing a warning shot... Straight into her bedroom ceiling. Her tactic obviously worked, as the intruder ran away without actually entering her house.


I was glad to hear that she was okay, and I was a little bit disappointed that she didn't get to bust a cap into some bad guy ass, because I know that would have made her really happy. Listening to her story, I was reminded of a different story that I heard a couple of years ago from a pair of friends from law school.


My friends, whom I'll call "Bill" and "Bob" discovered that they also had an intruder in their home. However, they were not alerted by the sound of breaking glass, but by the sound of scratching in the attic. For a couple of weeks, they thought that a rat had taken up residence above their living room. They decided to go up in the attic one night, and stake out the area to see just what they were dealing with. It turned out to not be a rat, but to be a raccoon.

Bill and Bob decided to eradicate the raccoon by using stealth and intelligence. They failed.

At first, they attempted to trap the raccoon, but it wasn't interested in any of their bait. Raccoon-1, Bill and Bob-0.

Then, they decided to use their skills as hunters to kill the mighty beast. Bill dressed all in black, Rambo-style, and took a hunting knife into the attic. He sat there and waited until he saw the raccoon, and then he raised his knife to end its life... Except that he totally pussed out and couldn't do it. Bob was upset to learn that Bill had not "stabbed it in its face," but Bill responded that could not, because it wouldn't stop looking at him. Raccoon-2, Bill and Bob-0.

I could tell that things were really starting to go downhill when Bill and Bob decided to shoot the raccoon through the ceiling of their living room. Although they did succeed in pissing off their landlord, they did not kill the Super Raccoon of Terror. Raccoon-3, Bill and Bob-0.

Finally, Bill and Bob got slightly drunk and decided to take the firepower outside. They attempted to kill the raccoon by shooting through the facia of the house. The bullet ricocheted off of their roof, and one of their neighbors called the police. Bill and Bob soon gave up on their attempts to remove the raccoon. Raccoon-4, Bill and Bob-0.

Interestingly, once they decided to leave the raccoon alone, it just left of its own accord. I guess it just got tired of their shenanigans. Or it decided that it had proven its point, and it was time to move on. Either way, the final tally was Raccoon-5 (extra point for getting bored and leaving), Bill and Bob-0. The raccoon definitely proved itself a worthy opponent, while Bill and Bob proved that people who are lawyers used to be law students who do astoundingly stupid things.

All in all, the point of these stories is twofold:

1) I know at least three people who have fired guns into ceilings, and

2) Any story that involves shooting guns inside will definitely become the kind of legendary anecdote that will live on for generations.