Fort Awesome's Guide to Elevator Etiquette

It just so happens that whenever I go to work, I have to ride in two separate elevators. One of these is in the parking garage, and then the other is in my actual office building. I hate elevators. I mean, really hate them. What I hate even more than elevators are the stupid, random things that people do in elevators and while waiting for them. Not a day goes by that I don't want to go completely berserker on some idiot who can't handle the simple task of riding in an elevator. I have decided that what the world needs is a handy dandy guide to elevator etiquette, and that it is my job to provide that guide. So here it is:

ELEVATOR ETIQUETTE:

1. When you walk up to the elevator, and the call button is already lit, you don't have to press it again! Do NOT do it! It won't make the elevator get there any faster, and all it does is piss off whoever actually pushed it the first time. Like you think I couldn't handle the mega-impossible task of pushing a freaking button, and had to step in and show me how it's done. Idiot.

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2. It might seem like I am repeating #1, but I'm actually not. This point is just really similar to #1, and just as important. Once inside the elevator, do not push any floor buttons that are already lit. Again, it will not make the elevator get the desired floor any faster, nor will it make the doors close. There is a separate button for that and again, pushing it more than once will not make the doors close at light speed.

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3. If there are 6 floor buttons, and riders in the elevator are going to 5 of those floors, you should not push the 6th button, just to be funny and to make them all light up. I am talking to YOU, old lady who has done this now THRICE in the parking garage. The next time that you do this, I will fight you. I mean, really FIGHT you!

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4. When you walk up to the elevator, and there are a number of people already waiting for the elevator, it is incredibly rude to push your way to the front of the pack. If you don't fit on, you are just going to have to wait for the next one. Or take the stairs. Especially if you are going to try and box me out of the elevator when I am parked on the roof, and your lazy ass parked on the second floor.

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5. If you are talking on your cell phone and there is only one other person on the elevator with you, it's okay to keep talking as long as you whisper and try to be as unobtrusive as possible. If there is more than one other person on the elevator, hang up immediately. Nobody wants to hear your business, especially me.

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6. If you are not on a cell phone, and you are simply talking to the person next to you, that's okay. But you should use an appropriate "inside voice," and you should refrain from any potentially offensive topic. For example, do not talk about your trip to the "lady doctor," do not talk about your dog's diarrhea, and do not talk about how last night you had to kick your boyfriend's door down because some "hoochie mama" was in there and you had to beat her ass. All of those are actual conversations that I have unfortunately overheard in elevators in the parking garage. None of them are actual conversations that should have taken place in elevators, or anywhere in public for that matter. I don't need to hear that.

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7. If you will be riding all the way to the top floor, it would be a smart idea to get in an try to move to the back of the elevator. It makes no sense to be a "door hog" and force everyone else to crowd past you at every stop. You might be a control freak once you get to your office, but you don't need to be a control freak on the way to your office.

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8. Personal space is something that should be respected as much as possible, even in the close quarters of an elevator. This means that you should force yourself against the walls as much as possible, even if it makes you uncomfortable. Trust me, I am standing as still and straight as possible, trying to make myself into a small little package that doesn't touch the people around me. Do the same, and do not jostle me any more than is absolutely necessary.

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9. If you know that you must ride on an elevator as part of your daily routine, try to keep the aftershave and perfume to an absolute minimum. Not only is your taste in scents questionable at best (Hello... Malibu Musk? Do they still make that, or do you just have a stockpile from 1993?) but there is nothing worse than having to ride in an elevator crammed against a person who smells like someone I might have made out with in high school. Some memories should stay repressed, and I will thank you for helping me keep them that way.

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10. Wait for people to get off of the elevator before you get on. It doesn't make any sense to rush in there and force everyone to have to push past you. If you do this, you are both ignorant and douche-y. And probably a virgin.

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And, I know that most people like to make lists that consist of 10 items, but here's a bonus:

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11. Pretty simple, but hugely important. DO. NOT. FART. Even if you are making some kind of horribly embarrassing face that makes it obvious how hard you are working to hold it in, I will not judge you. I will judge you, and possibly run over you with my car, if you get out before I do, leaving me in there with your stench. It burns my eyes a little, and also it will make people think I did it, when they get in and I am just standing there looking uncomfortable.

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If you follow my simple guidelines, not only will you be happier, but more people will like you. You might get that promotion that you want, and you will have great hair and look thinner. At the very least, I won't end up on the news because you pushed me over the edge on which I am already precariously balanced because of your previous elevator idiocy.

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Thank you, and happy riding. In the elevator, I mean.